If You Have Ever Lost Someone To Suicide…

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If you have ever lost someone to suicide, you will know what it’s like to feel guilt…
Guilt that you didn’t see more.
Guilt that you didn’t do more.
Guilt that you couldn’t find the glue to stick their shattered pieces back together.
Overwhelming, cloying guilt, that suffocates you in the deep of the night and drowns your body in sweat.

If you have ever lost someone to suicide, you will also know what it’s like to feel regret…
Regret that you didn’t care more.
Regret that you didn’t notice more.
Regret that you failed to see their sinking ship go down, in time.
Heart-breaking, gut-wrenching regret which strikes fear into your heart at the most random of moments, as a life un-lived plays out, like a movie in your mind.

You see, when you lose someone to suicide, you will be eternally haunted by the ‘what ifs’.
What if maybe, just maybe, there was a way you could have kept them here longer?
What if you missed a signal or failed to spot an opportunity to be their hero?
What if you were the one who caused them such pain?

If you have lost someone to suicide, you will forever see visions of them in their final moments.
Were they afraid?
Did they feel fear?
Did they think of me?
And worst of all, was there a moment of regret, too late?

If you have ever lost someone to suicide, you know the pain of a grief that consumes, as you see those who survive them struggle, every minute of every day.
Struggling mostly with the question, ‘why wasn’t I enough to stay alive for.’
You were so very much enough.

But sometimes, there are souls who will never see their worth whilst they walk this earth. And the more ‘enough’ you are to them, the less ‘ enough’ they feel.
They will never understand that just the fact they are alive, is all they need to be sometimes.
They will never see a way through the black hole of their pain.

And one day, they will just decide that they can’t go on a minute longer and they will fall into the black hole, searching for peace.
And we will never have the answers to those awful, torturous questions.
If you are living with this loss my friend, be kind to yourself.

There is not always a way to keep someone alive.
Let go of the anger because the hurt underneath it, is already enough to bear.

You must hold on to your peace too.
Let them go.
It’s the only choice you have if you’re going to survive.
And we must survive my friend, we owe it to them to do what they could not.

Donna Ashworth

#suicide #depressionkills #poemforasuicide

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