A friend came to my house for coffee, we sat and talked about life. At some point in the conversation, I said, “I’m going to wash the dishes and I’ll be right back.”
He looked at me as if I had told him I was going to build a space rocket. Then he said to me with admiration but a little perplexed: “I’m glad you help your wife, I do not help because when I do, my wife does not praise me. Last week I washed the floor and no thanks.”
I went back to sit with him and explained that I did not “help” my wife. Actually, my wife does not need help, she needs a partner. I am a partner at home and through that society are divided functions, but it is not a “help” to do household chores.
I do not help my wife clean the house because I live here too and I need to clean it too.
I do not help my wife to cook because I also want to eat and I need to cook too.
I do not help my wife wash the dishes after eating because I also use those dishes.
I do not help my wife with her children because they are also my children and my job is to be a father.
I do not help my wife to wash, spread or fold clothes, because the clothes are also mine and my children.
I am not a help at home, I am part of the house. And as for praising, I asked my friend when it was the last time after his wife finished cleaning the house, washing clothes, changing bed sheets, bathing her children, cooking, organizing, etc. You said thank you
But a thank you of the type: Wow, sweetheart !!! You are fantastic!!!
Does that seem absurd to you? Are you looking strange? When you, once in a lifetime, cleaned the floor, you expected in the least, a prize of excellence with great glory … why? You never thought about that, my friend?
Maybe because for you, the macho culture has shown that everything is her job.
Perhaps you have been taught that all this must be done without having to move a finger? Then praise her as you wanted to be praised, in the same way, with the same intensity. Give her a hand, behave like a true companion, not as a guest who only comes to eat, sleep, bathe and satisfy needs … Feel at home. In his house.
The real change of our society begins in our homes, let us teach our sons and daughters the real sense of fellowship! “
Author Ben Tatinger
The author of this is my friend’s husband, Ben Hatinger.
Just wanted to make sure the right person gets credit
Every once in a while, I seek out posts like this to convince myself I’m not insane. I raised kids, I homeschooled them. Now they are grown, I’m trying to figure out how to navigate this new life. Who am I? I don’t know all the answers, but I do know I’m a 45 year old woman without a resume. And…once again tonight, for the upteenth time, I was reminded by my “partner” that he works all day so every other duty, large and small, is mine.
I stood in front of the mirror tonight as asked myself “Who could you have been?” I know my fantasy isn’t the life I’m living now.
It’s good to read about a man who views his wife as a partner and not a slave.
I also seek out posts like this, to know that I’m not insane. I am 38, and a mom of 5 (ages 2-11). I homeschool them all day, but I work at home FT too .. and usually stay up until wee hours in the morning when they are sleeping, trying to get things done.
I have a college degree (Masters) but left that job to stay home with kids 11 years ago. I’m always reminded by my spouse that he works all day, so everything else is “my” job. Even though I work too, it’s not a “real job” because it didn’t require some special certification/degree/interview or involve a timecard/salary.
I stand in front of the mirror every day, asking myself the same thing. I am grateful I can watch my children grow and provide them every bit of love I would want as a child. But at the same time, I admire those who have a spouse who views their wife as a partner, not as a subservient slave.
Ugh i UNDERSTAND i feel the same way im overwhelmed n im getting fed up im 24 i should be enjoying my life and traveling the world.
Renee, I see this was posted almost a year ago. But I am in your shoes. And I’ve lost who I am :'(
I completely agree. But there’s at least one scenario, where this doesn’t work… https://youtu.be/LH-i8IvYIcg
My husband left me and the kids for good a 8 months to live with another woman whom he just meet at his working place and i believe she did a spell on him because he refuse to visit me and his kids. I and my kids has been suffering and it has been heel of a struggle, but I decide to do all means to make sure that my family is back together as it use to, then I went online there I saw so many people talking about this spell caster Dr Kasee whose email is (onimalovespell @gmail. com) so I had to contact him and explain my problem to him which he did a spell for me to make my husband come back home and in just 48hrs as he has promised, my husband came back home and his behavior was back to the man I got married to.I cant thank the spell caster enough for what he did for me, I am so grateful. I will continue to share this good news on the internet for people to see and also get help from him. His email again is: onimalovespell @gmail. com .
This makes me so sad for myself, is that wrong? My husband has the same attitude he feels as though I don’t thank him for every little thing he once did why should he bother now. I have tried to explain to him because I am not the only one that messes I shouldn’t be the only one that cleans. I understand my husband has bipolar, but damn it why should I be the only one doing anything. He basically eats, sleeps, goes to the bathroom and makes my life hell.
I do the cleaning, once in a blue moon he will pick up for a few seconds and when he does he thinks he has accomplished so much. I am the one taking trash out, I am the one mowing the yard, I am the one doing everything for the kids, I am the one working in attempts to support us. Yes, he gets disability but that only covers his spending habits, not our bills.
It’s called “Quality of Life”, doing chores around the house is an obligation, not a plea for a comment on how well one performs. We’re not children. This is our castle, our yard. Keep it up to par… no thanks is ever necessary. This is the way we must ALL live, or become slobs.
If you feel the need to help out than do it… otherwise, be that ass of a couch potato. Your no real man if you are that sloppy shit stain. Trash, Dishes, Bathroom, Sweep and Mop, Kitchen, Bedroom, fold and put your damned clothes away nicely in the drawer’s, that’s what their used for. Do the laundry when you know you smell, not when the hampers full. Be a fuckin’ adult! Try not to think you still live with mom and dad. You don’t! Live with it and be that person that YOU expect yourself to be and be appreciated by you and you alone. It’s called CONFIDENCE!!!
I never understood guys who think this way and trust me, some of my friends are this way. As one of my friends stated, “I be damn if I wash dishes.”. So, my reply was that is fine as long she is fine with it and you are taking care of something else. The house doesn’t take care of itself. If something isn’t getting done it is because the two of you haven’t decided who should take on that chore. So, don’t bitch when something isn’t done.
My wife and I have been together for over 30 years and we have always shared the chores, it is our house, it is our kids, etc. I hate Walmart, so she does the shopping and I do the yard work (in the winter, she does the shopping and I clean the kitchen). We both wash clothes, we both clean, we both cook…again it is our house and our life, there has to be give and take.
My guy said I’m lucky he does dishes laundry and garbage and cooks once in awhile. He said it’s my job to clean. I know I make $10 less per hour but I’ve not cleaned like I like to because it gets dirty just as fast and we do not even have kids. It’s a total up hill battle. My house isn’t gross but not as clean as I’d like it. I work at a hospital and it’s physically exhausting work supplying all the food for the patients staff and visitors. I’m not home all day or a good portion of the day mostly.im frustrates and cannot express my thoughts or feelings because it’ll mad him mad. I just don’t know …. Hopeless
Hi Alison, I reckon it’s the trickiest problem most couples face, getting the split of things right – but if you both work, to me, home duties should be an equal playing field. A calm, sit-down conversation needs to be had. It shouldn’t be all on you. D XX
So great! I love this. I think men should contribute and share in all of the responsibilities and females should also share in the financial responsibilities… if they so desire to make that arrangement. It’s more about freedom and fluidity than fitting in one mould or the other.
Truth is, though… men and boys are in need of affirmation as well. The counter (or maybe co-point) is to make sure to acknowledge a man’s contribution. That’s not something often done either (I’d say less so because of the stereotype that males don’t need affirmation etc). Food for thought…
I get what the author is trying to say, but I think he gets caught up in semantics when he focuses on the meaning of the word “help”, and oversimplifies the issue. As several other commenters have pointed out, it’s fairly common for regular responsibilities to get divided up between a husband and a wife, and it’s not at all unreasonable to refer to one spouse stepping in and doing a chore that is normally the other spouse’s as “helping.” If the husband normally mows the lawn, and the wife does it for him instead one weekend, she is helping him. And if the husband seemed to just take it for granted that she did that, didn’t even acknowledge it, she’d probably feel a bit underappreciated.
It’s easy for spouses to forget to take each others’ perspective into consideration. Early in our marriage, my wife would get irritated that I would be out mowing the lawn every Saturday, she saw it as something I was CHOOSING to do while the chores she wanted me doing instead were things that NEEDED to get done. I hate mowing the lawn, I like in Houston where it’s hot and humid, but I felt it was my responsibility to my neighbors not to let my yard become an eyesore. Then when our daughter was young, I did the morning duty of getting her dressed, fed and to daycare (and later elementary school) (as well as doing any dishes left over from the night before) while my wife picked her up and made her dinner, etc. My wife felt that afternoon duty was the most burdensome, while I felt morning duty was much more stressful because it actually had a tight and hard timeline to get her to school and me to work on time, and many tasks in that time. Both these situations were part of a perspective my wife had developed that she was doing “all the work” around the house, which made me feel she was minimizing what I did around the house. It went on longer than it should have until things finally came to a head and we had it out and both did the work to take the other person’s perspective into consideration.
I wonder if maybe the author’s friend has a similar dynamic of lack of reciprocal perspective-taking. Perhaps when the friend said his wife didn’t thank him for his help, what he was really trying to communicate was that his efforts to be a more equal partner in the household weren’t being acknowledged, were even being minimized by a wife who had a less-than-accurate perspective that she was the one doing “all the work” and anything he did still wasn’t enough.
This is pathetic. Never have I seen a bigger stereotype of men. What do you think it is stil the 80’s? Why don’t you all go burn your bras! Believe it or not, not all men are like this. I work the same hours as my wife, I cook, we both clean, I do the gardening. Just because you married a ‘dud’, doesn’t mean all men are! Maybe you should spend more time telling your husband these types of things, with ‘open communication’ rather than bitching about him behind his back (like all females do)! As you can see stereotypes aren’t good.
For my spouse, I literally do everything from packing their lunch, to changing their cat’s litter (I hate cats), to doing their laundry, to fixing their car. Never a single thank you.
I am the husband. I don’t think it’s a gender or masculinity thing. It all comes to to how they were raised. A little bit of nature and nurture. She was raised rich and spoiled, and in China. Very different culture too.
I can’t say I agree with this article emphasizing gender/roles.
I think this is up to each couple really. I know couples where household chores are 50/50 and I do know couple where the wife does most of the chores, but the husband does all the other stuff: finishing the basement, fixing stuff, shoveling the driveway, mowing the lawn, etc.
Each couple finds their balance and I think that as long as it works for them we should not judge or push an agenda. As a male, it bugs me a little at times to read stories about how men are not pulling their weight, and I understand that it is the case in some couples, I’m not denying that. But while we find it absolutely normal that a man should wash the dishes, we also find it perfectly normal that a man should do the drywall job, I don’t think it would cross most people’s mind that this “chore” should be shared equally with the wife…
Again, it’s all about finding your own balance, and I don’t thing any situation is wrong or right as long as both partners agree on how work and chores are distributed, but it does seem to me sometimes that there are a little bit of a double standard.
Wish my husband @joeyray could see this.
This sounds great in writing, but it is far from reality of modern families, at least for mine.
After 25 years of hard work (main income earner), cooking on the weekends for the rest of the week, and cleaning until late every night (their messes), my three daughters did not do any cleaning, even their own messes, and my messy wife did the same. Eventually they all united and decided they wanted to live in a messy house. The daily battles for them to do the minimal which is to clean their own messes became unbearable and destroyed my marriage.
The suggestion in article only work if everyone in the house is EQUALLY committed to that discipline with responsibility and accountability of each in the family.
My only concern is the SOURCE of inspiration. I agree we are different and one size doesn’t fit all. Wouldn’t it be a good idea to consult the author of marriage on how He intended it to work out? I believe we’d reduce the selfishness. Marriage is not a partnership neither is it slavery. It’s a covenant. You always look out for your partner because you want to maximize your time together. I will so dishes to help because my wife feels loved and appreciated. It’s not a chore. It’s the little things that matter and show care. Oh about the SOURCE, we both believe the Biblical definition of marriage. It’s all in there.
Bravo! Perfect comment! I knew I would find one eventually! When I troll it is for comments that I agree with, and affirm them, too many people want to argue these days. So keep up the good commenting work!
Love this Jennifer!!!
So a significant other doesn’t deserve praise or support when doing something that although both contribute to, both benefit from? It’s a great perspective to have and all, sharing the responsibilities of a relationship and I’m with that 100% but I would thank/praise my wife for cleaning the house, for doing the dishes, etc, and would hope she would for me as well. Nothing wrong with feeling acknowledged.
I am a stay at home mom. I take care of the house and kids. Husband knows I can’t do it all. I have asked him to take on 4 chores: take out garbage, wash dishes, clean kitty litter/mouse cage, take care of the lawn.
There are times where he goes above and beyond. When he washes dishes, he will clean the kitchen. I don’t expect that.
He will take the kids out to breakfast so I can sleep in because of the hard week I encountered. He doesn’t think of his 60+ hour work week and how he should relax.
It took me many years for me to teach him that he lives in the house as well and everyone needs to contribute in some way.
The children see him doing chores and now they are doing chores without argument. They have learned that if everyone helps, we can spend more time with family.
So basically like every other modern day self indulged woman, I work constantly yes it’s a desk job I run my own company and I work from home in my own office I work probably 90 to 100 hours a week. And I’m made to feel like shit because i dont help around the house, firstly I do I constantly pick up after the kids and her. Secondly if i do say have spare time i will help and guess what it’s done wrong I have gone out my way after working say 16 hours to clean the kitchen, clean the bathroom hover up do 4/5loads of washing and I dont expect any thanks, ut what I do not expect is to be critercised or to be had a go at a mood to be taken out on me. This has happened a fair few times in a fair few relationships and each time I have ended up ending them. Thinking to my self wow i wasted x amount of years of my life, because I cant even remember the good times because they have been drowned out by all the incessant nagging. So like his mate who is bang on the money where he gets no praise or adulation for helping on top of providing tmfor the family I not only dont get any praise I get shit for not doing it right or missing something or “why didn’t you do this when you where doing that” pr “why did you stop there and not carry on”, if I am to comment back and defend my self and say well I ran out of time I got tired or I had work to do its met with a barrage of thinly veiled attacks. So in conclusion women of today want basically a slave they say they want a friend a partner but really that’s all included in the slave package they want you to fulfill that friendship that partnership, that earn the money that do things round the house run here run there and for you to do it how they want you to do it. I have watched so many of my friends go from strong individuals to a husk of their former selves, in conversation you listen to them and its like they cant wait for death for a rest from it all. I’m getting there slowly. I can handle the workload I find it challenging and hard going but I dont stress about it what infant handle is being mistreated and it be under this modern age BS the writer has puked up above.
When my hubby needs “help” finding a tool that he misplaced, I offer him help and he thanks me. When he is mowing the lawn and I bring him an ice cold drink, he thanks me for the help. Similarly, when I ask him to chop vegetables for dinner, I thank him because he really has helped me. When I need a shower and ask him to take over watching the kids, I thank him. It is not about “who does more work” or even how gender roles lead to the division of labor.
It is that I genuinely want my hubby, at all times and in all ways, to know that he is a sexy, generous, kind, attentive partner and provider. When he thanks me, I know it is because he sees me as a sexy, generous, kind, nurturing partner and home-maker. I tell our 4 children all of the time how wonderful their father is and he sings my praises to them. We don’t do these things to manipulate the other into returning the favor for us; we do these things because they express the true feelings in our hearts. If helping me do the dishes is a little gift my hubby can give me to make us both happy, then I accept it as a gift, rather than dismissing it as an expectation.
Having spent many years as a single parent or in unsuccessful relationships, the biggest lesson that I learned was to throw out the scorecard and show thanks and love every chance that you get. With my hubby, I have spent time as the primary breadwinner, the stay-at-home mom, the dependent college student, and the equal earner, but none of that ever changed the one fundamental constant of our wonderful relationship: we genuinely like each other and want the other to be happy. “Helping” your partner is never a dirty word.
I’d like to know if the mate went home and changed the way he behaved or if he carried on the same way. My husband is my superstar. He does the food shopping and a lot of the cooking whereas I do washing and cleaning etc. He also takes over on parenting duties when he gets in from work so that I get a break/able to work on my own business without having an almost 3yo trying to get in my face.
I think it’s very important when living with anyone- family, significant other, friends, or strangers- to sit down and talk about what chores are easier for you and what you enjoy doing around the house and what you dislike. In doing this, you can find the chores that best fit each member of the household. If you live under a roof you have a responsibility to care for your home. If you work crazy hours, maybe your chores could be limited to after dinner dishes, sitting with the kids/ getting them to bed, or making breakfast before you leave. I find that this helps alleviate stress on everyone. It makes every person in the household more appreciative of everyone else and by talking it through it gives your housemates a better understanding of what you can handle. If you’re struggling with this I seriously suggest talking it out. No judgment, no confrontation, just a conversation.
As I read in a book I wrote:
Notice her.
Appreciate her.
Pamper her.
And expect the same.
We are all the center of our own universe. You just have to remember that you are not the center of the universe.
If you are vying for control of a relationship, you are doing it wrong. A good rule of thumb is to be more worried about impressing the person with whom you want to spend clothing free time than anyone else and expect the same.
I get folks have had bad experiences. Stop using those experiences as justification to treat people poorly.
The author offers some thoughts about attitude on the homefront … the comments that followed remind me once again that “one man’s meat is another man’s poison ” …the ” fingerprints ” remark is justified as people and relationships are indeed complex and unique … However, in learning from examples , a bit from one, a little from another ,has the possibility of enriching and guiding us towards a more meaningful and improved life’s journey … the idea put forth by the author asserted that maintaining the many aspects of house/property requires time, effort and often phsycal labor, but this partner did not think of these necessary involvements as a yours and mine but more as ours together … the EQUEL part of a relationship, as somewhat described here ,denotes a validity and sincere understanding that each partner hss equally important interests and concerns while striving to have a fulfilling existance during their shared partnership … the basic laws of success include balance and clarity in joint activity ,regarding both work and leisure . These are definitely part of reaching for and achieving some satisfaction and happiness … Lives are in constant change with only some aspects at our control … Some couples seek a more deliberate and impassioned lifestyle while others are extremely pleased with a more laxed and spontaneous existance …both polar opposites and all in between can potentially be very rewarding … how all days are approached vary somewhat from time to time as external developements require
considerations … Little works to their advantage unless it is teamwork with appreciation / admiration for the other in ANY capacity … Everyone has disappointments but the give and take on the partnering seesaw builds up instead of destroys … Sadly , a committed couple will be in deep waters if they’ve not initially recognized some barriers to fulfillment in work and home life … Responsibilities met usually lessen the burdensom loads we all must bear tho’ it is true some are visited upon by greater hardships than others … Still , finding a healthy and dedicated pattern in the early stage of a relationship offers more all around stability for their future prospects … Gender plays a lesser role these days as mankind has pushed towards equality and respect for both sexes , each now seen as vastly more capable in all walks of life … So home chores with differing requirements both mentally and physically may be divided up according to the needs of the day ,so to speak , and not chiseled in stone forever … that way we each assist (staying away from the word HELP ) in reaching evenings respite with a since of job well done sans- resentment … Yes …a lot of maturity and love required with a big dash of patience to bring about lasting love, respect and admiration …
Both pulling in tandem gives it the fighting chance most all deserve … recognizing up front (the getting to know you time) one another’s strengths and talents and their accompanying weaknesses is being observant without criticism and may just HELP you have a good everlasting life together … the article offered valid stepping stones in coupling attitudes … Societal demands and traditions are still evolving so best to all in your individual and/or coupling journey … be sure to listen to the MUSIC and SMELL THE ROSES … BEAUTY AND MAJESTY EVERYWHERE ! ! ! …
As I do agree with the grandiose article (written by a woman) nothing can be more far from the truth when it comes to a wife who is always unappreciative, unhappy and is never satisfied with any outcome. There are just some women in this world who just never get it or understand how men work because of there selfishness, daddy issues, spoiled behaviors or OCD and set in their ways. No one is perfect! No man or woman. Couples need to appreciate the little things that are done for each other and not ridicule each other because he/she didn’t do it their way. If one works 40 to 70 hours a week and the other works 10 to 20 hours per week should be understanding, and compassionate towards the tired one who worked all of those hours and should not expect the tired one to come home to cook, clean, shop or take care of children. All marriages who have RESPECT, UNDERSTANDING, CLEAR LEVEL OF COMMUNICATION without raising voices, EVEN COMPROMISE, and LOVE can overcome all marriage obstacles that they should face. Teamwork! Teamwork! Teamwork!
I don’t like this article. Let’s examine things from the man’s perspective. He admired the comment that the other guy helps his wife, so he’s not a chauvinist. If he was, he’d say, “Psh! That’s a woman’s job!”
I bet that means the “objectionable man” DOES help with shared responsibilities. Maybe he helps with the kids because they’re his kids, too. He helps with the dinner without looking for thanks because he likes to eat, too.
I think the author has his panties in a twist and feels butt-hurt because he feels emasculated by the “objectionable man’s” comment and has to justify why he does more around the house. Sappy. Barf.
I bet the “objectionable man” feels taken advantage of or under-appreciated. He doesn’t go out of his way to clean up messes SHE makes because when he cleans them up, it goes unnoticed. It sucks having things go unnoticed. I also understand that perhaps she is too tired or stressed to thank him, however, when a pattern develops where she makes a mess and he cleans it up without it ever being acknowledged that he cleaned up her mess (not mutual shared responsibilities, but things that are CLEARLY her mess), that can hurt and make you feel taken advantage of.
I believe that’s what he meant when he said he doesn’t help out anymore. It’s never stated in his statement that he doesn’t help with ANYTHING. I think the author jumped to mega conclusions in order to look like a heroic hubby. Nah, not buying it.
Unfortunately life is not as black and white as this article. Just because many people think it’s progress and novel, doesn’t mean it’s right. Thousands of years of marriages doesn’t suggest that this is the way to run a household. Let me ask, is the world surrounded by just handymen or are there plumbers, electricians, cleaners, bakers, etc? Why? Because certain people have certain skills and it’s inefficient and wasteful to have them doing other tasks that they are poor. Same goes for marriages. Why would I do some household tasks that I don’t excel at and split them such that my wife and I do them differently? Same for my wife, do I expect her to learn how to fix & build things, maintain complex spreadsheets, etc, absolutely not, she’s terrible at it and has no interest at learning how! Equality is about splitting tasks such that the time and stress are relatively equal such than neither partner has a greater burden and we each get time for leisure and to play with the kids not some ridicous article that says if I don’t wash the dishes that i don’t love or respect my wife. Wake up people, marriages of the last 100 years have not necessarily been sexist and relationships are like fingerprints, none are the same.
My husband does not do household chores, but that isn’t because he hasn’t offered to help. It is because I am OCD and I want things done a certain way. Also, I have basically stayed at home for the past 15 years and he worked. We both work now, but I am part time and his hours vary wildly because he is self employed and only works when clients need him.
Some women WANT to be that 1950’s housewife, who stays home with the children and cooks and cleans. Other women want to share equally in the workload. Either is fine as long as both parties agree. The problem is when one or both change their mind.
Oh, and I can’t imagine my electric and water bill, if each person in the house did their own laundry, that would turn 4 or 5 loads into 10 or more a week….. INSANE.
it’s exact opposite in my house. My wife does not cook or clean. She watches TV. She’s still resentful she had to prepare food for me last after an accident derailed me. And by prepare food, I mean go to a fast food place and buy it. I have never seen her mop a floor in the 30 years I have known her.
I’d give anything to have a partner.
WOW! LOL Marriage is not 50/50 it’s 100/100. Keep this in mind and always give 100% no matter what.
Divorce is 50/50
Marriage is 100/100
I absolutely love this, thanks for sharing!
I am not married, but I am in the happiest relationship I have ever had. I’ve been married twice, and both times, I was treated more as a servant than as a partner. It didn’t matter if I worked more hours than either of my exes (yes, that was the case at least part or all of the time that I was married to either). Since I was the wife, I *had* to do everything at home and it *had* to be exactly to the husband’s liking, or I was a horrible wife. If a man lifted a finger, I was a terrible monster if I didn’t sing his praises like a miracle was performed. After the second, who even became physically violent because I *had* to forgive him for cheating, which I refused (yes, we were having sex literally daily, and I don’t see how that matters but it’s the first thing people ask me), I had decided to never date or marry again. One day, a guy that I knew and saw regularly at work had rescued me from a horrible and violent person, he was flabbergasted when I tried to thank him, and I knew I finally found a guy that didn’t constantly put himself first. We’ve been living together for about a year now, with a baby on the way. I don’t mow the lawn and probably never will, but he doesn’t clean the bathroom. Guess what, I hate yard work more than cleaning the bathroom, and vice versa for him. We both do the dishes. He sweeps daily. I do most of the cooking. Our chores are not disturbed by gender as much as by who hates/likes the chore more. If he works more, I clean more, and vice versa. It shouldn’t be a competition on who does more or what gender you have. You BOTH need to be striving to please reach other and make each others’ lives less miserable. You BOTH should be thanking each other for whatever the other does for the family, be it cooking, cleaning, working, or changing diapers. There’s enough bad s*** in this world and neither one of you needs to come home (or stay home) and feel like garbage. … And, yes, make your kids help, too. And, thank them, too, for good grades, helping with younger siblings, cleaning etc. … Every little bit someone else does is one less thing you have to do, and those tiny things add up fast.
I feel you. I was in a relationship with a guy whose opinion was that because women now have equal opportunities, it forces more competition in the work force, and drove up the cost of living, thereby making it impossible for women to stay at home taking care of kids. He was also the type of guy (actually, child) who thought that if both men and women work, the woman should do all the household chores too. As this was some kind of payback for women’s liberation. Meanwhile, he came home everyday and sat on his ass, watching porn and drinking beer. He ended up being abusive both verbally and emotionally, and that relationship soon ended. Stupid me, but I’ve learned a lot from it, and have had healthy partnerships since then. Point is, a man or a woman can be selfish, completely one-sided, and just view a relationship as an opportunity to take everything from the other person. You must appreciate one another and have compassion. When you care for someone, it’s more about giving than taking, and when two people come together that truly care, it ends up being a better, healthy partnership. Glad you’re in a happier relationship now.
“I do not help my wife to wash, spread or fold clothes, because the clothes are also mine and my children.” Whoa, he must be really attached to his clothes if he considers them his children. 🙂
Written by a person that doesn’t say thank you when someone: holds a door for them, picks something up they dropped, paid them a complement, blessed them after they sneezed, etc. What is so difficult in showing appreciation to others? I don’t need a nobel prize for doing dishes, but the idea that we should all equally not appreciate the help we do for each other is absurd. This has nothing to do with gender roles and everything to do with being a gracious human being.
I don’t agree with everything the author said. But it seems that the friend refused to contribute to the upkeep of the household because his wife didn’t thank him for it.
My marriage to my first wife was completely one sided. I did it all and no amount of discussion, argument or chore lists changed the fact that she was lazy and considered herself above contributing. But she was sure good about complaining and spending money. Now, years after divorcing, she has done the same things with every boyfriend and wonders why she can’t keep one.
On the other hand, my new wife and I decided we were not officially dividing up the household work and chores. I cook, she cooks. Sometimes separately, sometimes together. It depends on the day, whether all the kids or family are there, and how complicated or simple the meal is. She generally does the laundry and detailed housecleaning, but she likes both and wants them done the way she likes. I help, but I know that things she wants to do and I let her. I handle the outdoor work, but she pitches in when I need help. We do our bills, shopping, and raising our children together.
We have never once said that any of it was assigned to or expected of each other. Instead, we learned what each other’s likes and strengths were and rolled with it. We thank and compliment each other, not because it’s expected but because we both appreciate the time and effort we put into our family and home. And yes, we both have full time jobs.
I feel that my ex and my wife’s ex (who was similar to mine in attitude and behavior) taught each of us some things we wanted, and didn’t want, in a life partner. In our case, the approach we have taken works for us.
I, a white hetero male, hate cleaning and rarely do it. When I do a thank you would be nice. Why? It is not my responsibility.
The reason it is not my responsibility is because my partner and I discussed the household responsibilities and jointly agreed on things that were her responsibilities, things that were my responsibilities and things that are joint responsibilities. And when she does things that we agreed that are my responsibility, like cooking, I thank her as well. We are Partners not because we share all the chores equally, but because we share decisions.
Total nonsense.
How many hours does he work versus how many she does? If they both work full time, sharing equally in that part of a partnership, then, sure, at home, it should be a pretty joint partnership, within reason. My ex-wife believed the floors should be swept twice per day, Swiffered once per day and mopped weekly. I believed sweeping once per day and swiffering once per week and mopping once per month was entirely reasonable.
Am I failing to be a good partner by NOT aligning with her views, or is she failing by not aligning with mine? Regardless, my marriage ended because my wife who worked 10 hours a week felt our jobs balanced out because we both had jobs. So my job took me out of the home 50 hours a week, but it was “equal” because we both had jobs. But she did more at the house therefore I was a bad partner.
Why wouldn’t she view her role, in this case and it could easily be reversed, as the person who partners in LIFE by doing more at the home to account for being there more and doing less at work. Within this I still did all the typical duties — mowing, fixing, snow throwing, bill paying, computer projects, home projects — AND every dish AND the majority of the cooking. She did was the base boards alone, twice a week, while angering at my failure to partner.
Idiocy. Without life context this is stupid.
Yes, in a relationship people are performing at life relatively the same, they should perform at home reasonably equally. Otherwise one person should pick up extra in one area to account for less in another to be a better partner.
Total nonsense? Geez. It is obvious from your bias that you assumed the woman stayed home, or worked minimally, while the man went out and worked to support the household. In doing so, you completely missed the entire point of this.
Some partners don’t contribute to chores because they feel they shouldn’t have to. In the story, he washed the dishes because that’s what an equal partner does. He cooks and he cleans WITHOUT the need to be praised and have his ego padded. The husband and wife worked together so that both were a part of the house, not the help.
Marriage is a compromise and communication about everything is key. I’m sorry you didn’t have that with your wife, but the lesson above is important and adaptable to many circumstances, even those with households with women earning and working more than men. There’s no need to pull in all the context that you think is necessary to understand what the author is trying to say.
Slats. In my reply, I wrote either party may work more than another, so I have no presumption that the man works more than the woman. In either case, the total nonsense part of this article is speaking about partnership as if it is about work in the home and not work in the life you are building together. If the author had wished to disclaim that the context was a partnership where both worked equally outside the home, then it would have been less nonsense. But any presentation that partnership is about one’s home is inherently biased and wrong. It’s about the totality of what you do in partnership. I do have a bias that invalidates the home as the hub of partnership which is, fairly, in part due to a wife who believed THAT was the entire nature of partnership.
I agree with your point that marriage is a compromise and communication about everything is key. I did have that with my wife, it’s just that she preferred the communication to end at my agreement with her conclusions without having to listen to contrary thoughts, so it was somewhat flawed. For me the flaw in this article is EXACTLY that the author does not address that partnership is not about where you life. It’s about the entire life you share. Absent context it just seems like a screed, which, given where published, would tend to be a lecture to men to do more in the partner area far too narrowly defined.
Absolutely.
If a couple decides one of them will be a stay at home spouse, the stay at home spouse has the household responsibilities. I am a woman, I work crazy hours, and if my husband is going to stay at home then I expect him to maintain the home. If one person leave the house to make the money then the spouse at home is in charge of the house. Organization, cleaning, budget, meal planning etc. It is the stay at home spouses job. Also there are studies that show when one person stays at home while one works, they help free up one spouse to dedicate themselves to their job and potentially be more successful. I think its great when people want to both work and split the household responsibilities, especially if it helps generate more income for more opportunities, but if you decide to be a stay at home wife then that’s the career you have chosen. And it’s an important one that is to be respected, because again they are helping the other make more money which is to the benefit of the whole family.
Traditionally women have taken this role and clearly the gentleman above’s wife was a stay at home spouse. How is it equal for one spouse to spend a week working long hours and then come home to split the household chores 50/50. If you don’t want to the responsibilities then get to work, so you can afford to hire someone to take on that role.
So true Slats.
I totally agree with You! I have worked all of my life, until 3 yrs ago I have 2 major back surgeries, and could no longer work. My husband now is the sole provider. I do all of the household chores, and cooking…not because I HAVE to, but because I feel I should. Most of the time I also mow the yard, even though it is going to put me in bed for 2 days. I feel that I should try and make it easier on him, since he is the only one working. For 2 yrs before my surgery, I was in bed most of the time, then a year after surgery. My husband worked a full + week, and did laundry, cooked and waited on me hand and foot. He never once complained. There are days that I don’t feel very well, and he will still cook dinner, and bring my dinner to me in bed. I married a great man, and we have been married for 30 yrs. We balance each other, because we both know that it takes both of us to run a household. If everyone thought this way, things would go much easier for both people! Here’s to 30 + more years with my best friend!
Hhhhhmmm, well, last week, my husband worked 60 hours at his mid-level wage job. I stayed home and cared for our four children, two of whom are girls, two are boys. I am also undertaking a Bachelor’s Degree in Social work, hours kind of worked out roughly the same. Our children see parents that love them and work to provide what’s best for them, there is no discrimination between who does what. This is how we decided it would be when we decided to bring children into the world. Parenthood is not a job, it’s a life decision. If you want children, fine, by all means have them, just don’t expect the rest of us to worship at the altar of “supermum”, get over yourselves and put your ‘golden uteruses’ away
It’s always amazing to me that these things are still issues. I grew up with a dad who cooked and a mom who mowed the lawn…. we all helped out, and then we all had time to be a family together when the work was done. It’s disappointing that people still don’t understand that being part of a household means equality in work and play.
Right?
Seriously! Every partnership should have an understanding that you both pitch in. And it’s truly common sense when it comes to who should do what to hold up their end! And yeah sometimes one of you might end up doing more sometimes but usually it balances out. Or at least it should! Unfortunately it happens still a lot that some partners think they should be praised for cleaning or doing certain things with their kids. But in reality it’s both your responsibilitity to do housework and raise your kids with each other, not for each other. You signed up to be partners and have kids so therefore, do your part. And for those guys or gals that don’t thank their partner for doing more of the housework or whatever it may be, should stop and realize that and truly thank them. And appreciate their extra hard work for the family. Again, it’s all common sense and we know what’s right or if we are lacking in some areas as a partner!
I work 40+ hours a week, do side jobs… 32 year career in Horticulture/landscape. I have 4 children who are all grown adults. I also have 5 grandchildren now. When my children were young, I did all the work, all the house work plus worked full time plus…. so, I brought home the bacon, fried it up in a pan, etc. I know hard work AND going home to clean, cook, laundry, bills & budgeting, household repairs, mowing the lawn…. I can indeed do it all, and have….. I never understood adult whining. I read about the divorcing man and noticed something. They made an agreement, both of them, and he chose to work against it by insisting she work outside the house… that wasn’t their agreement. There is no honor in working against your own. He was holding up his, and she was holding up hers…. but then he got tired of it and wanted it to change…. but he doesn’t see it. He doesn’t because he chooses not to. He is not a victim here in any way. He didn’t honor his wife, or his children, or their agreement.
My only thought was,”Oh my god, I don’t help my husband enough.”
Thought of something else. Mothers and fathers, you are the ones raising these men. If you do all the chores in your house and never ask your sons to make their beds, wash the dishes, take out the trash, clean the bathroom, fold the laundry, or help in any other way, this is on you. Teach your sons that they are just as responsible for the home as your daughters are.
This 🙌🏻
Teach the daughters the same thing. These days, are BOTH lazy…
Except nobody these days is really teaching their daughters that they’re responsible for the home either. Even if they are, these females eventually learn about feminism and come to convince themselves that doing household chores is somehow perpetuating the idea of female oppression and keeping the “patriarchy” alive, so what you have are a generation of women who are too lazy and who are too helpless to cook and clean their own homes because they think that being a strong, independent woman is simply not doing anything productive.
I’m still in my twenties, so I’m pretty young, but I can’t count how many women my age that I’ve met or had dates with who have NO idea how to cook a basic meal. Their idea of dinner is a frozen pizza or something microwavable, or they’ll just insist going out to eat somewhere instead. Of course, I’m still the one expected to pay for their food and they get upset when I don’t.
It’s an easy thing to do for people to just blame the boys (like they have been doing for decades now), but it’s funny because every guy I know does actually clean and cook. Men are hardly as lazy as what women are in my experience.
Wow. Stop generalizing ALL women. I’m 33 with a 20 year old sister so I know a lot of young ladies in their early 20s. My sis is thriving in a good job and is learning to cook and loving it. She is as generous as her loving, 21-year-old boyfriend who also sees their relationship as a partnership and pulls his weight as much as she does. Perhaps you are a man and your short-sightedness towards all women comes from the fact that your standards are much too low and you have therefore been with a number of trashy women. Raise the bar a little. I bet you’ll be happy with what you find. My hubby has a very physically demanding job so I take care of the entire house since I only work part time. In the last week, he has received two 40-minute foot massages (from me), had all his meals cooked, and all his laundry has been washed and folded and laid nicely on the bed for him to put away. I love that I can do these things for him after he’s worked so hard all day. I genuinely see it as a privilege to dote on him in the house since he works so hard for us outside of the house. We women are not all bad. Like I said, raise your standards and maybe you can find a good one.
Preach! My cousin re-married when her two children were pre-teens. Her new husband moved into her house and would do only his laundry. Cook only his food.
She never said a thing. But when she made meals and did laundry and any other task that involved the household, she left out his parts. She did not wash his clothes. She did not prepare food for him. She did not set a place at the table for him.
He figured it out and realized that he was part of a family now and that meant contributing to the family chores.
Yes I love this!
Whoa, issues.
Really? Issues? Why – because he’s an adult who does things he should be doing anyway? I’m not my husband’s maid. I’m not his keeper. And he is not mine, either.
If you’re a house wife you kinda are…
No partnership is perfectly equal, and every relationship looks different and functions differently… I have to say though, amyone who thinks SAHM have it easy… I have to disagree. I am not a SAHM. I personally find my office/sales desk job to be challenging in all the ways you would expect. However being at home all day with a child or children…I find to be far more exhausting/demanding. Children and the home are never ending. They test you and keep you mentally and physically busy.
I believe this article applies to a man or a woman. However, most families with two adults are now dual income. The problem is, many moms and women still do it all. Cooking, cleaning, sometimes even being the primary person to raise children. As a part of Generation X I believe many men have become much more involved with their partners pregnancy, labor and delivery and raising the children. My husband is truly a partner in every way. We have some different responsibilities, but the kids, home, cooking…thats on both of us. I personally think any person that comes home from work and doesn’t think they should help their partner…. that person is saying they deserve a break and their partner doesn’t and that their job is more important and demanding. Those things are simply not true. A SAHM is not sitting back chilling. Not any I know. They are going all day. When I went back to work after maternity leave it felt like a vacation. I could even pee anytime without am entourage!
CK, you are so right!!
Just think if they actually had to pay the wife/husband for staying at home and taking care of the children and the house. Several years ago, they said the income would start at $35K annually. Think of what it would be today. A SAHM needs a break too and also needs some help.
WRONG!!
You’re the one with issues bud! When I WAS married my husband used to say “I did the dishes for you”… and I would look at him like he had two heads and say “Didn’t you eat off those plates etc – they are OUR dishes”!!
Well did finally did grow up but not in time to stay married to me.. Marriage is a partnership – period and should have an equitable division of labor especially if both people work out side the home!
This whole thing could also substitute “mom” for wife and “family” for partner. Our families need to know that we are not just a maid for them.
I understand this article and what its definition is. Do I agree? In a way yes but I Also disagree.
This article is a blank statement. What do these two do for a living? Do they work equally? does she work more then him? does he work more then her? Has nothing to do with dollar amount.
I took a job that Is both very physical and time consuming. 100 hours every 2 weeks and very labour intensive. 1 hour to drive to work and 1.5 hours to drive home and I’m away 13 hours a day. Most days just getting home is exhausting.
Getting home I try and not add to the mess but I truly have zero thought or energy towards cleaning up. My work clothes go into the same spot and I do all my own laundry.
We have 3 children my partner and I. Our kids are now 14, 13 and 12. When we went to have our first child my wife was unemployed for 3 years. She asked if she should get a job or stay home with our son. Kind of hard to look for employment at 2 months pregnant so naturally I said not to as I would make enough money to cover the family and we wouldn’t have a stranger raising our son. As it turns out we now have 3 children in a very short period of time. Lucky for the 2 of us I was able to make enough money to keep my partner with the children.
We agreed that I would work and do house hold repairs and she would stay with the kids and keep the home clean.
This went well for 7 years. After 7 years my partner figured she was getting the short straw and my job was easy. I figured the exact opposite. I knew my job very super difficult and with bringing home over 100 grand a year threw a labour job I honestly knew I was holding up my end of the deal. Way to physically tired to help when I got home. I would play basketball and sports with the kids so obviously I had some energy but I had just been at work for a 10 hour shift and a crazy drive home. I figured my day was done and I could relax with the kids or nod off on the couch.
My partner was thinking the exact same thing. When I got home she figured her job was over and I could take over house hold jobs and play with the kids.
Do you know what happened next? I started to help around the house. I then in turn asked her to start looking for some employment as our kids were older and were in school all day. That didn’t work at all. Now after 14 years and she still refuses to find a job as she says we had a deal for her to stay home and keep the house. So she refused to get a job. Yes this was a 7 year long discussion as I continued to help out around the house.
She figured it was totally wrong for me to ask her to get a job. Yet I also knew I was doing to much work.
Why am I writing this I ask myself? I agree that men need to help their partners. I also first hand know how exhausting it is to work so hard and it be ignored. We do not go to work for a praise we go for a paycheck. Our partners do not stay home and look after our children for a paycheck. They do that for a reward. To have a better life and understanding of our own children. To stay home and raise your own children is a major privilege that a lot of couples don’t have today. For my partner to be able to stay home for 17 years unemployed and have 3 wonderful children that are now teenagers and still refuse to find work but demands help at the home is very frustrating.
We ended up separated and are in a very bad divorce because of this very topic. I wanted help financially and she wanted help at home and it was a stand off. I budged and she didn’t and we were torn apart over it.
I believe every situation is totally different. I wish there was a manual to show each other who is doing it right and who needs to straighten ship.
We were together 28 years, since grade 8 and this very topic destroyed our relationship.
It is easy to demand but to be honest. It’s both who need to constantly change as the relationship grows. Those who fail fall apart. Those who change with the times seem to do ok.
These are my thoughts. Spoiled people with to much to complain about.
My partner has 3 kids, 3 dogs, 2 horses and a cat. I didn’t want anything other then 1 dog. She has filled her day with pets and chores yet complains I don’t help out. I already have all my time spoken for and didn’t want any more mouths to feed. 11 mouths off 1 paycheck is absurd in my opinion. Do I deserve credit for keeping it all afloat. Hell no. I gave up and left. Was breaking my back for a person who didn’t care and just kept taking and taking. Yet she feels the same way towards me. Calls me lazy and a deadbeat. I pay 3977 a month in support and I am still called a deadbeat.
So I caijkdnt figure it out. Other then relationships, raising someone else’s kids is the hardest job in the world. If you have a good one remember that change happens all the time and to make sure you are paying attention. People grow away from each other over time. It happens. Sorry to ramble on. I just don’t see a need to tell a story and not the background. So easy to judge.
I agree with you and empathize for the situation you were in. We were not raised to know the true nature of women; most men only experience it after a marriage starts. Perhaps you should search information on MGTOW to help you process your recovery from you destruction she has brought into your life. Also, the “topic” didn’t destroy the relationship like you say, she destroyed the relationship.
Brent, Derek is spot on about MGTOW. There you will find a brotherhood that will show you are far from alone in your circumstances. You will learn the true nature of women. There is nothing extraordinary about the behavior of your ex. Such behavior is innate to all females, it is as natural as breathing to them.
What happened to you is the same thing that happened to me. I told her to get off her ass and do something. All this did was piss her off. Mine sicced the cops on me. Consider yourself lucky yours didn’t.
Women divorce for cash and prizes when the man finally refuses to put up with her lazy, spendthrift ways any longer. You see, women only see men as a resource provider and if you refuse resources she has no use for you.
Learn MGTOW philosophy and a whole new world opens. Cheers and good luck.
Dude … meet more people, not everyone is the same and so simply catagorized.
All women are NOT the same, just as all men are not the same. Me and my husband are on the opposite end of the spectrum. We both work full time (him 38 hrs/wk, me at least 40 hrs/wk). His job is 15 minutes away. Mine is 1 hr in the morning and 1.5 hrs in the evening (including dropping off and picking up our toddler from her grandma’s house). He comes home and gets to spend time with our daughter while I immediately start cooking dinner (so we MIGHT be able to eat by 7 PM). Right after dinner, we read to our daughter together (this is the first time I’ve spent with her all day, aside from the talking and singing we do in the car if she doesn’t fall asleep). I change her diaper, put on her jammies and brush her teeth before bed. If she cries (usually 2 -3 times before falling asleep), I’m the one that sings to her and tucks her back in. If I have the time/energy, I wash the dishes from preparing dinner. All I expect of my husband is that he puts his plate and silverware in the dishwasher (and most nights I have to remind him to do so). He typically works on the weekends, so I do the grocery shopping (no time during the week) and clean the house all weekend. Keep in mind I’m also on my own with our daughter. Things are NOT equal in our house, despite both of us working full time (and me having the much longer commute). He justifies it by pointing out that he usually has two 10 hr days (then three 6 hr days) on his feet (manager at an auto parts store), while I have a desk job (but I’m also 7 months pregnant; trust me, I’m pretty tired myself). He fails to realize that he has the reprieve of at least two days/wk that he doesn’t work until at least 11 AM (so he gets to sleep in), on top of his two days off (when he also gets to sleep in), while I get up at 5:25 AM M -F (and am lucky if I get to 8 AM on the weekends before our daughter wakes up). He spends one day off relaxing (must be nice), and spends the second day off doing a few things around the house (cleans a bathroom, mows the lawn, etc). That’s the extent of the “help” I get. He certainly isn’t my “resource”. He makes about 60% of what I make (less when I get my next raise in July) and would not be able to support himself if we ever split up (he’d have to choose between his brand new car and being able to afford an apartment). For me, it would be a little tight, but I could make it on my own. My point is, not all women are “users”. Just as all men are not “lazy”. Don’t lump an entire gender into a category just because you had the misfortune of getting stuck with one of the ones that perpetuates the stereotype.
Wow, John, I never reply to these, but I had to to this one. I literally am on my feet from 6am to 10pm. I don’t get me time in there. I look after my child, and other’s children to make the extra money we need. I look after my parents who had to move in here last year. I have to cook and clean for four adults and a number of children. I got a pedometer, and it’s nothing for me to hit 13k-15k steps a day without even needing to try! Laundry every day, several meals and snacks, mess after mess after mess, baths, and clothing changes, and diaper changes, and refereeing, and sweeping, vacuuming, dishes (no dishwasher) washing down bathrooms, and on and on. My husband works and takes care of the garbage and mows our small lawn. He gets to come home and relax. I WORK HARD. And then I’m up several times a night with children while he gets to sleep so that he can be rested to work the next day. I am constantly EXHAUSTED with often only 3-4 hours worth of sleep. I stay with my husband because I love him. I give so much because he gets stressed at work and I want to give him a break at the end of the day. There are times I just break down, and go to a room by myself for five minutes because I’m so exhausted, and just need a minute to gather myself back together to get back to it again. I don’t get me time often. I can go a whole month without even getting a half hour in total to myself. So some women may be jerks, but some of us do all we can to make our family work, give everything we have and sacrifice all we have to make those around us happy and make sure they feel loved. You can’t group us all together. I realize you will still judge, so be it. I give my freakin all, and I have nothing left to give to myself. Find me a man that will go from 6am to 10pm without a minute to themselves. I don’t get coffee or lunch breaks, I often have ten things happening at once. I often have five people needing my attention all at the same time and are demanding attention. Do you know what it’s like to sit down and watch a movie from beginning to end? I have no idea anymore. That is how much I give. And as for the comment about money, except for the pedometer that was a birthday/mother’s day gift, I haven’t had something for myself in forever. I haven’t had new clothes in years, and even then, they were bought from second hand stores. The money we make does not go to me, that is for sure. I work hard to provide for my family, not for me. I make things from scratch to help make our money stretch further so that my husband can get the stations he wants on tv, and go to the events he likes to go to. Events I never have the time to go to because someone has to look after the kids and my parents. You judge women too harshly as a whole. Shame on you.
Don’t you just love all the (predictable) NAWALT responses?
No, THEY destroyed it.
Please all of you who believe that women have some kind of evil “true nature”, please do join the MGTOWs and leave us alone, we’re fine with that.
Sunny: The true nature of women is hypergamy, narcissism, and same group bias. Admit to it, because the sisterhood knows it. Women are no longer a mystery to men, they are an easily solved algorithm.
As far as going MGTOW, the ranks swell everyday. After every family court male divorce rape secession, a MGTOW is born. After every false DV allegation used as divorce strategy, a MGTOW is born. After every morning after sex regret false rape allegation, a MGTOW is born. After every workplace false sexual harassment charge, a MGTOW is born. The list goes on and on and on.
You, Sunny, should be very happy. We most definitely will be leaving you alone. Why? Because the legal environment created by the feminist harpies makes any interaction with a female a dire threat to a man’s health, wealth, and liberty.
Being a women and knowing women the way you do, would you entrust your health, wealth, and liberty to another woman? Of course you wouldn’t, you’re not insane. Well, my dear, men are no longer insane for an exploded myth. Enjoy your cats. Cheers.
I’ll enjoy my cats, dog, and amazing man. You enjoy that inflatable doll. 😹😹😹
That was so interesting Brett and very insightful, you’re right there’s no point judging a story without the background… I imagine lots of people will read your comment and have an opinion – thanks for sharing!
a partnership is 50/50 in my house and never a complaint that some one does more than the other
Brent, I can definitely understand when a partner feels undervalued in their relationship, and from the sounds of it, you did. I couldn’t help but notice though that in your long comment you mentioned everything you do with your job, long hours, household repairs and playing with your children, but not once did you say that you would spend some real quality time with your wife. I hate to say it, but it’s quite possible that is all she needed and your marriage would still be intact.
It sounds like neither of you showed each other the appreciation needed. When a marriage is looked as like a balancing scale, you can always measure your effort against another’s and most likely we measure our own effort as greater. Teenagers are not done being raised and take a lot out of the person who is the main care-giver. Maybe more so than babies. And to look at it like you were breaking your back for her rather than your family is telling. You also call her “spoiled.” She is raising 3 kids. So, she’s spoiled if she doesn’t get a job or clean the house by herself as well? Maybe she just needed a little support, encouragement, praise and not have to hear about how exhausted and put out you are to go to work. Have you heard about the Mental Load? She was to just keep the house clean? Or was she also to know when bills are due? When kids need shots? What’s groceries are needed? What sized the kids wear? Who their teachers are and which ones are going to be a challenge? Who the kids friends are and how those relationships are going? Who seems to be struggling at school and in what subjects? Who’s getting moody and what that might mean? etc, etc, etc… And then there’s YOU. She has to be aware of your moods and needs and adjust her life accordingly because when you get home, you want to check out and relax, so she has to always be “on.” Is this your expectation? Did you realize this was your expectation? Did she fall short of this impossible job and you were disappointed?Do you believe you could have done it better with no help or praise if all she had to do was make the money and have fun with the kids and nothing else? …just some stuff to think about before you decide that doing chores was the issue…..
Each and every person changes even while keeping their ‘programmed’ habits in check. One should look at their own faults before finding someone else’s. People see these things and understand better than you can imagine. Sad thing is that the kids suffer thinking this is the way. I tell my daughter , ‘ it’s not how he folds the towel, but rather if they make it in the closet. Getting a job is one thing if it is needed to raise a household and spending habits are high. On the other hand I was both mother and father working full time and sometimes part. I did get support for which I am grateful but would rather that my daughter and her dad spent more time together, not sure how he got so busy with life but he is her father and deserved it. We do have a wonderful daughter and wish the best to you for sharing your story.
Maybe you shouldn’t have spread your seed so wide and far. Want a good life? Live in your means, don’t undervalue your own time, evolve and leave time for your own growth, respect that your partner also needs that time to evolve and grow…
So many people, men and women, end up on these boards complaining about the workload of being parents. Perhaps, instead of buying into having 1,2, or three kids you should have considered balancing your life.
Honestly, I don’t have any sympathy for people who over reproduce and under perform when it comes to taking care of their progeny. You want to blame your wife? Fair enough, but it took two to tango on that.
Excuse me, what did you say? Spread my seed. I had 3 kids with the same women whom I was married to. I didn’t spread my seed you dumbass. Maybe ask me a few questions instead of just throw a random comment. I make 120 grand a year and I am fully capable of raising 3 children. Money is not the object. Ignorance is. Apparently your as ignorant as my wife so after this comment I will leave you as well.
I left my wife because she buys 13 thousand dollar house stereo but has no job. She rescues 2 horses figuring she is helping but doesn’t ask just does it anyways. Buy pet after pet after being told no more pets. She buys a brand new car after I spent 14 months working out of town to clear all our debt.
She demands all the money yet doesn’t work. She demands everything her way yet she dictates not helps.
I married a women who does not play fair and you boil it down as to spreading my sead and living over my means. The money was never the problem. Expecting everything from me while just consuming and consuming all while being ignorant.
I didn’t ask your opinion, I simply replied to a story that I figured wasn’t explained in full to give a proper opinion. I figured I would share as my wife was rude and took advantage of my kindness and my love for her.
It’s called being a product of your environment, she was spoiled and started to look down on me. When I left to work, I came home and was an inconvenience.
Jo I was raised by 5 women and zero men. Trust me when I tell you I know what a women goes threw when men are losers. I am the youngest of the 5 and watched my entire life the way men handled women. I swore I would look after mine as long as I could. She was to mean and rude and ignorant for me to continue. I tried to stay for the kids sake but the dish slamming and door slamming was to much to handle and I didn’t want my kids to learn that’s how you treat a partner. I wanted them to know that how NOT to be treated. I am trying to do everything right to show my kids that things get hard from time to time but it’s how we handle it that makes us who we are.
Next time you reply to someone’s comments don’t react like you know everything because you don’t. Ask questions or reply your senecio like I did to HELP others with their decisions. Or just piss off and don’t reply. You kinda rubbed me the wrong way with your seed comment but I will get over it.
I’m 42 years old with an amazing group of kids, not a hoard as you would believe. I wanted 5 kids but stopped at 3 as I realized that was silly in this day and age. I own my house and 2 vehicles. 5 pets and a crazy amount of fun things. I do NOT live out of my means. I am just sick to death of people not helping in this world and just taking. To bad my wife as a taker and not a helper.
I want to be able to retire one day not own a barn and pets. My outlook on life differed from my partners and frankly I’m not an asshole so living with one was no longer an option.
Do I know what she did while I was at work? Hell yah. Someone asked if I knew what she did all day. Schools work, Freinds, teachers, sports, meals, laundry. Yes I know the list is long and never completed. Like I said I have 4 older sisters and yes they all have kids. I know what a stay at home mom goes threw. I also know what hard working men go threw.
We could do this all day Jo. Men are assholes and women are crazy. That’s the closest thing that rings true when I read most conversations.
Have a nice day. I’m out to spread my seed some more so you have something more to comment on ;o)
Well played my friend, well played indeed!!
You chose to marry her…. I have no sympathy.
Kinda bitter. Sounds like the real problem is you made a mistake in who you married. So, really, you’re the one who is at fault.
James, The only person that made me bitter was the seed spreading comment. Pay attention bud. After 28 years do you think you can see forth someones behaviour? Donyoubthink at the age of 14 I could tell what my wife would be like at the age of 40?
I did a bang up job keeping my cool tell my children were old enough to notice what was going on. I am happy I respect myself enough to not live like I was. I am happy to have 3 amazing children even if my relationship didn’t work out. I live my life as everything happens for a reason. My wife helped me when I was younger as I was a very violent drunk at a very young age. I help her threw her troubles as an early adult. We both got are acts together at 25 and decided to have children. Now for some reason things have changed and we have grown apart. Pretty sure that happens to some people after time. I was just to blind and stubborn to give up before she did obviously. Does that make me bitter? Nah, I am a smart man and a strong man. I appreciate the small things in life and I am not about to waste the rest of my life with someone I can’t even share a meal without an argument.
I feel for my kids that’s all. I am a very good dad but haven’t seen my kids in 3 months as she tends to involve them in our fight as often as she can. I will wait patiently for court. Make payments that nobody has told me I have to make. My lawyer and I decided to pay what the online calculator dictated as I should get use to making these payments and I also don’t want a huge back payment when this is all over. I want my kids looked after. They deserve it. She is a good mom just a very crappy wife.
Look back and read my 2 other posts. Do I trash my ex? Nah, that’s what bitter people do. They are full of hate and guilt. I am full of energy and smarts. To smart to be drug down. H other even while they hold my kids against me. Want to show my kids how to be a good person even threw the worst of times. Want to show them to be mature, caring and thoughtful when times are tough for them and people around them. I want to teach my kids self respect and show them that when the person you cared about the most treats you like crap that it is not to be tolerated. My kids deserve what is best and with me and my wife together it is not the best for them. I am smart enough to realize my kids deserve better.
I believe most bitter men and most men in general are not paying support without a court order, Partying and womanizing like maniacs, lowering their hours at work to make less money for lower payments. The list is endless of bitter men messing with the system to make things difficult for their ex which in turn only hurts their children.
Myself, not so much. I missed 4 days work this year and worked 4 double time shifts to make up the time lost. So I am ahead in my opinion.
Dude, James I am not a bitter man. I am a very clever and smart guy who is taking the time to make the world a better place for children and guiding our youth threw their troubled times. Best feeling in the world is helping and injured animal or putting a smile on a disappointed kids face. I do that often on top of my job and hobbies and divorce (my new hobby).
I dont sit in my basement drinking and pouting. I travel and meet new people and go visit old friends and family. The councilling i was trying to do didn’t last long. After the first hour the councillor told me to save my money as I was doing everything right.
So once again, James ask questions. Don’t make stupid comments about things and don’t assume. We all know what assume spells right? “Makings an ASS of U and ME =ASSUME.
Life lesson bud, use it.
Brent: Amen brother.. amen.
The rest of the people on here and thought it a good idea blame Brent: you’re a bunch of morons in the classic sense. Hang your heads in shame.
thank you for sharing this perspective. I appreciate it and the time you took to write it out
Brent, I’m sorry, but what you failed to see was that she also busted her butt all day and week and was just as worn out physically AND mentally as you were at the end of your work day. The only difference was her work days never ended. She also deserved to sit and relax a while. Did you ever consider what all she did all day, every day? You BOTH deserved help and you both deserved a break. If you worked as a team in the evenings, you would have been able to accomplish more in a shorter period of time and could have relaxed together when everything was finally done. Being a parent and spouse is a never ending job And it should be equal on both sides.
Did you miss the part where she refused to work after the kids were older? What do you think she was doing during the 35+ hours every week the kids were at school? Shucking corn, darning socks, and tanning leather? This isn’t Little House on the Prairie – we have convenience out the ass. Maintaining a household with older kids that can take care of themselves requires minimum effort. Throw a meal in the crock pot, put the dishes in the dishwasher, put the clothes in the washing machine, turn the Roomba on, DONE. If someone had to be the primary breadwinner *AND* run a household, yeah, that’s a lot of work. But if you’re at home without infants or toddlers running around, and you’re not out there working a job or doing something that brings value to the home while your husband is the primary breadwinner, you are nothing more than a parasite. Being a SAHM doesn’t mean early retirement!
Thank you. I find it fascinating how people read but forget to absorb the info.
My wife was a busy women. Just busy playing with horses and dogs. She made 4 meals for dinner because everyone else wanted something different. Let the kids make the decisions then complain about the amount of dishes. If I ever suggested making just one meal we all could eat she would suggest I was crazy. Just another way of staying “busy” to not be able to work.
Like I have said, I understand the stay at home moms have a never ending job. My kids were 14,13,and 12. If they aren’t at school they are with friends. They don’t want to hangout with the parents. They are on thier laptops and Xbox most of the time so their is no more waiting on the kids 24/7.
To make one meal at dinner and do the dishes is a relatively easy task in life. If you want to make it difficult and make 4 meals and 2 loads of dishes then that’s your own doing. I can’t even talk sense into stupidity like that. Waste of time, energy and food. No allergies, just spoiled the kids trying to make them her friends and not her children.
She just got rid of the horses before we go to court. She is claiming she can’t work. Yet she spent 3 hours a day shovelling horse dung and cleaning stalls plus bailing hay. Thats a hard job. If she would have saved the money and not bought the horses and taken that time and effort to work she would have made some good money. Yet I was the asshole who was not impresses with the entire situation.
My ex wife is pretty much google. Can’t argue with someone who “thinks” they know everything. How do you even try and argue with that. I tried but got tired of being the asshole. Made me look like the problem for complaining about the situation. Kids got everything they wanted so obviously they sided with mom. I wasn’t “allowed” 100 dollars for my birthday after making 120 grand yet she is allowed to buy anything under the sun because I am at worm and can’t stop her. I threatened to close the joint account and she told me that was a. Ullying tactic and she would divorce me if I did that and the judge would be ashamed of me for being a bully to my wife. My fault I feel for it. Well eventually I took 2 weeks off work and had no paycheck as I had zero hours worked. She figured I switched accounts so she paid off her new car on the line of credit. Opened her own account and transferred 50 grand into. Went to a different branch and claimed marriage troubles and they froze all my lines of credit. I had 2. Both at zero, now one at 83000 and frozen. She then ran home and called the rcmp scared for her life. Good thing I didn’t go home after the bank and went back to work because they were at my house waiting for me.
I could tell you nightmare after nightmare. I didn’t leave because I had 3 kids to raise and I wasn’t giving up on them because she went lazy and spoiled.
Nothing worse then a women scorned they said. Well she is very pissed that’s for sure as after her 50 grand is gone she might need to get a job.
I’m not sure why I even responded to this post but I must thank the few who have actually read my comments and understand that I am nit women bashing I was first trying to reply to the original post and say every senecio is different and that article was to silly to leave a real decision. Now I have just been explaining and defending. Nothing to defend here. I did my part to an above A grade. I worked long and hard. Cleaned my own mess. Helped out with other mess and entertained the hell out of our kids and friends. I feel I was taken advantage of yet she feels over worked and under appreciated. Stand off that will end in court all while giving away half of the money front the sale of the house. Then half of what is left to the ex. She has applied for 8″ percent as I am more capable of restarting my life. Yet she says she need all the kids and pets because I am useless and can’t look after them or myself. So if I am so useless I can’t watch kids that don’t need to be watch just guided at this point. Then how can I be more capable of restarting. She’s a mess. I would feel sorry for her but she deserves everything she gets at this point. Steal 50 grand plus receive non order payments then turn around and tell my children I am a deadbeat father. Fml how do I even start to fix what she is doing to my kids?
Thanks for your support. It’s noticed.
Wow. Sorry Brent. It sounds like you have a lot of built up resentment and I don’t blame you. This happens entirely too much in our society. Your ex was plain old selfish and you were too young to know better when you made the decision to be with her. I don’t understand this type of entitlement that women have to just take and take in these situations. Just because you had some kids doesn’t mean it’s your golden to ticket to forever live off of someone. It’s entirely unfair to you. You put your part on the table and it sounds like it wasn’t ever reciprocated. My boyfriend now has an ex that’s somewhat like this. She had two kids, married to him 5 years, been divorced a few years now, and does whatever she can to squeeze $ out of him. At the time, she tried to put a restraining order on him in an effort to get his house that was his before she came around. Meanwhile, he’s a very nice guy! In her mind, because she’s competently illogical, she thought she deserved half of his retirement from the past 20+ years that he’s worked. Also thinks she should be on his good health insurance forever. Meanwhile, she has another live in boyfriend. Child support is enough. We’ve also recently had a child together. She basically lives off whatever he’s given her to support being an artist. What a life! Wonder what her plan will be when the kids are 18? I, personally, can’t imagine being in her situation without knowing I could fend for myself. I wasn’t raised to take and take. It isn’t fair and it isn’t right. I hope everything settles down for you and maybe you could meet a better person some day.
I’m ok. I am humbled by the decision I made to take care of myself first. If I didn’t look after myself how can I expect to look after my kids the rest of my life. I damn well know I am a good person. The people lining up to help me is long. Very supportive people around me that are happy I am in a good frame of mind. I am saddened for her as she is now alone. She seems lost and grabbing at anything to keep her head up.
The best way is to stay positive and stay a good roll model for my kids. They might not be talking to me right now but in a while they will hopefully see how things have played out. If I don’t engage in the petty fight then I should be rewarded with good karma in the end.
I will remain classy and teach them composure In a crisis is everything.
Thanks for your kind words.
I am a feminist. Gender norms suck. They oppress both genders, not just women. A woman has no fundamental right to expect a man to support her financially just as a man has no fundamental right to expect a woman to change all the baby’s diapers. This article makes an important point but it’s pandering to a “men are a-holes audience” which really just stirs the pot in an annoying way. The article succeeds in shaming our assumptions of conformity to gender norms. It’s not that it’s bad for a woman to do the dishes. It’s bad that the friend assumed it was her responsibility to do the dishes without knowing anything about the dynamic of the partnership. Where it derails though is in its preachiness of a man needing to show up more in household work without saying a word about how a woman should show up in a partnership. Every partnership is different, but the aim should be the same – equal contribution to the goals of the partnership, respect and adoration for each other. Each couple gets to define what “equal partnership” looks like, and it’s not for anyone to judge. I’ve overheard friends who are self-proclaimed feminists look down upon other female friends who are in happy partnerships with more traditional gender roles. Why? Feminism is about choice and empowerment. We live in a time where everyone can choose a partner who is compatible with their values and can expect respect and adoration in return. Choose wisely.
Jenny, you are so right. I could not articulate it any better. Thank you. May I use your thoughts in my online post?
Wow. This is why I think women need to have something going on for themselves. I just had a baby and it’s tiring all day with my boyfriend at work. So, yes, when he’s home, it’s nice to have a little break. We both came from working full time careers in the Biotech industry by the way. But my baby is 4.5 months old. Both men and women need all the help they can get at that age. If I can manage keeping the house clean when baby naps (which is hardly ever), or just doing a little bit here and there when I can, I don’t see why when kids are in school that some women need 6+ hours to get it all done? To me it seems that there’s no reason why a woman can’t work at that point to relieve some of the pressure on your spouse. To me it does seem spoiled. It’s not 1950 here. And if a woman does decide to work at that point, then yeah, both people can share household duties. Ugh! By the way, boyfriends ex wife gets child support as most of her income. Her kids are in school and she stays home and paints.
I totally agree that every situation is different. My husband also works a very physically demanding job and is away from the home about 50-55 hours a week. I only work 15-20 hours a week so I take care of everything in the house. He felt guilty about that in the beginning. He told me he didn’t marry me so he could have a maid. I explained that the way I see it, I have two part-time jobs… my real job that pays me, and my part time job at home where I take care of the house. In my opinion, that makes us “even”, so to speak. We don’t keep score, but I see how exhausted he is when he gets home from work. So of course this all depends on your arrangement. I told him that if I ever got a full time job, I would expect an equal partnership in the home. He understood fully and agreed. But until that happens, I’m happy to cook all the meals, do all the laundry, and keep the house cleaned. I couldn’t live with myself if I sat on my butt all day and then expected him to help out after a long day of work. I’m sorry you’re going through this ugly divorce.
Brent well said! I am as female who is married and you are right when you grow you have to recognize it and make the adjustments!
You are SO right! Sorry to hear how hard its been for you! YOU did ALL the right things! Sending you hugs & prayers…you are a TRULY GOOD MAN!…your partner is out there!
Strange because when I was married, my job demanded at least 70 hours a week plus bringing work home with me yet I still had to pick up his clothes, be the dishwasher, clean the house, wash the clothes, etc. My ex did most of the cooking because frankly, I didn’t get in on time to cook and he was a better cook anyway and he mowed the grass and that was it. I had to do all the grocery shopping which I hated and pay all the bills as I was the breadwinner. I never even thought about praise. I just stayed tired a lot.
So sorry Brent. Your experience is one that is all too common and almost never given the attention it deserves. I feel for you. Respect to you.
Brent — you say “My partner has 3 kids, 3 dogs, 2 horses and a cat. I didn’t want anything other then 1 dog. ” Fair enough! Shouldn’t have made the wife pregnant three times, though. I mean, the first time could have been a mistake, but the second was on you — and the third? Please.
Omg. Do you even know how to read? I WANTED my kids. Can’t buy those when I am on night shift. The pets came well after the kids and I only agreed to 1 dog.
Did I say anywhere that I didn’t want my kids? Haven’t even touched on them and that fact that a convicted convict get to see his kids more then I do.
She purchased the other pets while I was Sleeping as I was on nightshift. The horses came while I was out of town. 28 years and 3 wanted children. Didn’t have 3 accidents and run out the door.
I say my partner has because she has manipulated our children into thinking I have deserted the family and don’t support them. She hasn’t worked in 17 years so how does she get away with even saying that. She gets full support without order and still doesn’t have to work yet gets away with telling my kids I don’t support them and I am a deadbeat dad.
Did I ask for sympathy? No. So why would you even say my kids are an accident? If I was standing in front of you right now I can guarantee those words would never leave your mouth. Glad you can type them as I have yet to see a keyboard punch anyone in the face. The internet has produced so many keyboard tuff guys These days…..
I replied to this article to suggest that all relationships are different. I pointed out that without the full story nobody should make judgement. Yet I have all these people judging me who have yet to ask a question. No wonder society is so messed up these days, everyone forgot how to use their brains and manors.
I love the fact that you go right to the unwanted child debate. Just because you weren’t wanted doesn’t mean the rest of us weren’t. (See that’s how you judge without asking. Being rude is very easy).
Think before you speak. Then you won’t be such a douche next time we cross paths.
Brent, I’m very sad to read your story. I, too, stayed home with our son so a stranger didn’t raise him. I do see your wife’s point about wanting help at home, but I don’t agree with it. Not entirely. Your days were 13 hours long… hers were 24 hours long because she was the sole physical caregiver. I’m not taking her side because I don’t agree with what she did – I’m just giving a different perspective. It was an argument in our home as well. I was there 24/7 and if our kid woke up in the middle if the night, it was on me. Everything was on me because I depended in my husband to bring in the money. The trade off made sense, but I needed a break too, sometimes. It seemed unfair at the time, but I get it now, because I work a full time job and often feel like you described in your post by the end if the day. She’s very selfish and will, one day, realize what you did for her and for your family. It may not help much right now, but she’ll figure it out and of she has any sense about her, she’ll apologize for her huge error. Won’t make up for your pain, but I bet you’ll love seeing her eat crow. Good luck to you.
This was so profound I never heard the males, responsibilities stated so well. Basically they should show up and be a part of the household and family fabric and not a glorified guest
I agree totally, this post has gone viral and I can see why! Thanks for your comment! Donna x
It would have been nice if you gave credit to the original author.
He is unknown I’m afraid!
this is my house, too, by jingo, and I’m gonna treat it as such. the more I do, the more time she has to spend on me, lol.
Great point Ron!
Ron….I hope you actually meant more time to spend with you….not “on” you….or you’re as bad as the writer’s friend!!!!
Looks like you had one of those “glorified” guest. Women do it also. Goes both ways….
With all due respect, I think household chores should be split 50/50 the day property and vehicle maintenance get split 50/50. The day I start to see women shovelling snow, mowing lawns and fixing roofs while men hang out browsing Facebook is the day hell freezes over. Yes, there are exceptions to the rule.. but they are exceptions to the rule.
I doubt the author does any of those manly things. Sounds like “he” was taught how to be a daughter more than a son.
Should be 50/50 of everything. Income, yard work, maintenance, driving, child responsibilities, cleaning, etc… She should mow half the yard while he cleans half the house. Only way you could remain consistent with this.
Whatever. The point is more that you agree on who is going to do what and not title doing “dishes” or “laundry” as “helping her” with “her” responsibilities. Like the men who say they are “babysitting” when they are home alone with the children. They are not a babysitter, they are a father. They need to see themselves as parenting and playing an active role in their family life, not sitting in for her duties while she is gone. A couple needs to make a plan of who is home when and who is available to do what and work it out for the best of all. Even if one partner or the other stays home with the children, that is a full-time job that needs breaks – unless, of course, they just spend their time socializing or sitting on the couch watching television. A stay-at-home responsible primary care-giver should be able to manage cooking, cleaning, yard care, gardening, laundry and more. But if the wage-earner comes home to sit on his/her butt and be waited on while the other continues childcare, meals, clean-up, laundry, bed-time chores, homework, etc, that is unrealistic and totally unfair. The most important thing is to not be selfish and lazy and always be tuned in to the needs of the family.
I agree with Lynn, it’s an agreement. Some agree to share the work. In my case, my hubby goes off to work every day, works very hard, and when he comes home, I’m happy to feed him and give him a temple rub, a foot rub…since he has been out in the world making a living for us. While he is gone, I am home cleaning, cooking, shopping for the food, running errands to manage the home. That job is not as demanding, and it continues for 24 hours, but I can have lunch dates with my friends, go to the nail salon, pamper myself…I’m happy with the arrangement. I don’t ask for him to work at all at home, as he has used up all of himself at the big hard job running a hospital IT department. I don’t have that stress and he does. I am so grateful for him as my life would be so much harder if it weren’t for him. This is the agreement we have and it works for us. Mutual respect helps. We have been happily married for 23 years with two teens. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Your point of view is why women avoid men like you. My mother is 86 and mows the lawn. I’m 63 and do as much outside work as my husband. You clearly don’t understand the fair distribution of labor. Your attitude leads to divorce.
What you have there is a personal anecdote. While I pat you on the back and congratulate you (and your 86 year old mother) I’m talking about society in general. Not a portion of it.
I walk around the neighbourhood and witness this stuff all the time. If there’s grass to be mowed, he’s doing it. If there’s a garbage can tipped over, he’s cleaning it up. If there’s ice and snow at the end of the driveway, he’s removing it. If a shingle blew off the roof, he’s fixing it. It goes on and on and on. Fact.
Note: when I say the man takes care of something I mean he actually does the work, not hires somebody to do it. And of course if you actually do hire somebody to fix a roof, clear your driveway, do property maintenance… it’s probably a male that’s going to show up and do the work.
Incidentally.. women don’t avoid me.
Also incidentally, I do at minimum 50% of the chores around my house in addition to all the regular “guy stuff” PLUS a huge amount of landscaping and property improvements.
So, the attitude that women should split ***ALL*** of the work required to run a house is an attitude that leads to divorce? Fascinating.
don’t defend yourself, this is just about woman feeling like they need even more special rights. This “Lady” insults you multiple times while praising herself for doing next to nothing. Good for you Ma’am, you mowed a lawn….once anyway. Go build me another room on the house, while I dust the pictures in the living room and then perhaps Ill be impressed. Liberal woman and gays…….give them the world and they accuse you of treating them like they are useless, expect them to do something and your a chauvinist. You want equal rights, take em……just stop fk bitching about it.
My wife does yard work and so do I. She generally cooks. I do the dishes. I do my own laundry. She does hers and the kids. They fold the towels. I do kid duties as much as she does. She likes shoveling snow and makes the kids help. I prefer to mow the lawn. We are partners. It is all about communication, shared responsibilities, and giving each other grace in knowing what we are good at and what we may need to pick up the slack on.
That there is an anecdote. I’m glad a few people have some level of balance in their households but I stand by what I said. If there are dirty fingernails in a house it’s probably the mans.
This isn’t true for everyone. It may be an anecdote but so is your story of your experience. There are so many men and women out there working hard. I grew up in a household devoid of a father figure most of the time. I watched him do the “man’s work” when I was young and used to want to help since my mother was working two jobs and he was the only parent home. He never let me because it wasn’t girl’s work. When they divorced there was no one to do yard work or clean the house (he cleaned as well) so I as a young girl began to pick up the slack. I taught myself how to use an ax, a mower, a trimmer, drill etc. I figured that I could learn just as well as my father did on his own growing up. And I did. As of right now, in my 20’s, I do all the upkeep on my house. I’ve installed flooring, built furniture, paved pathways, fixed the roof, and other tasks on top of the regular upkeep of cleaning and mowing and such. And I have done the same as a job for two other households regularly and also work part time. I have had dirty painted fingernails, blistered hands and heels, a farmer’s tan, sore muscles, cuts and bruises, and still I am a woman. There is no such thing as “men’s work” to me. I am a woman doing work because it needs to be done. Keeping the stereotype going by saying it will never happen, you discourage others from even trying. Instead try encouraging and teaching if you want others to learn. The same of course is true for men tackling “women’s work”. It’s all work, you just have to learn to do it.
Greg, It’s not about splitting chores, it’s about respect for your partner, yourself, and the home within you live. By the way, I do shovel snow and mow the lawn, along with all my other wifely duties, while my husband of 22 years sits on his ass browsing Facebook or Break.com or some other stupid site. But that’s okay because I do draw the line at fixing the roof and doing vehicle maintenance and since those are such huge contributions to our every day chores, those manly tasks exonerate him from doing anything else. In case you’re wondering, I’m being sarcastic. Keeping score is for sports, not relationships.
Blaaaaaahhhhhh!!! When did it become everyone else’s business, to know about, Everyone Else’s Business?!?
Why should anyone be the judge of someone else’s life or relationship? Who CARES who does the dishes! Who CARES who made dinner last! It’s THEIR relationship and THEIR team to manage who plays what role.
In response to one of the comments, I know a lot of women who don’t just hang out and browse Facebook & Pinterest all day… me included. I also have a tool box (2 actually). I work from home. I WANTED to be able to help run our business from home because I like to mow lawn’s. I like to shovel snow. I like to wash my car, pump my own gas, work in the yard, build things with my hands, and do the cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning and laundry. I also wake our 2 year old son, help him get dressed, get him a bite for breakfast and take him to school every morning and then pick him up every weekday, pick him up, make dinner, give him his bath and lay him to bed. That’s my role.
My husband who is my teammate and my partner likes to sleep in! He typically gets up to maybe work a couple hours a day before he leaves his work to make a 1 o’clock TeeTime and the round is usually followed with grabbing a couple beers with the guys.
Guess what, I’m ok with that! We CHOSE to Build our business in a way that I it could maintain itself so he would have more time for golf and I would have more time for all of life’s little happenings.
BRILLIANT!
While what I purpousfully described my spouse as a selfish pig who does nothing while I slave away, it’s simply not the case.
I don’t do all these things because he won’t or because I feel like I HAVE to, it’s because I WANT to do all those things! And I LIKE to do all those things. I’m WEIRD!
Actually im not that weird, I’m just an only child who was raised by a single mom who worked two jobs trying to support us. So I grew up real quick and became a doer. A care taker. A teammate. I got a job to help out. Did our laundry. Cooked our dinner. Mowed our lawn. We remodeled our home that was built in 1904 together and made the original wood shine like it once did before the 1970’s shag carpet and orange metal cabinets were hung in the kitchen. We were a team. We helped each other out. We knew our roles and what worked for us.
My husband grew up much different than I and had followed in the footsteps of his mother and father who were also very successful and brilliant business owners.
My point is, It doesn’t have to be science or mean that “hell froze over”. Times, they are a changen’. Men aren’t always going to be the breadwinners but if they are, maybe his partner is ok with playing their part and keeping care of the household and its no longer a rarity that the man is a work-from-home-dad. But that’s his role. That’s what works for he and his family.
Maybe people are just people and you either accept it or you don’t. And MAYBE it’s nobody’s business but theirs!
Bottom line? What ever the relationship, You are a team. And sometimes it just might be you calling the shots but If you’re happy in the “role” you play in your relationship, then who gives a rip what other people think.
What century are you living in, Broflake? Women do all of these things.
Alright, Sunny. Tell us the procedure and tools necessary to remove, sharpen, and replace a lawn mower blade. And the procedure and tools necessary to get a mower that doesn’t want to start running. And the proper way to replace a missing shingle and the tools necessary.
Reciting something from YouTube won’t cut it. Every man reading this will know if you are lying. So Snowflake, back up your words with some knowledge, All the Broflakes are waiting to be impressed.
I dont have a lawn, sweetie. I planted ground cover, shrubs and trees, all of which I maintain with pruners and my chain saw. I dont really give a crap what any of you manbabies think.
Don’t assume your situation is the same as everyone else’s relationship. I know more and more women that do just as much dirty work as men, I also know women that don’t do anything around the house or yard. I mow, change the oil in the lawnmower, cleaned the carburetor, and am currently fixing wood rot on the siding of my house while my husband is washing dishes and folding laundry. So what! The point is yes the all around household chores should be 50/50, lets not assume we have to stick to the standard male/female roles.